Too Late
by Eden Evergreen
Summary: The following contains some of Vash's thoughts, several decades after Trigun has finished. These should work equally well for either Anime or Manga world.
1. Too Late

I do not own Trigun / Vash or Meryl. They belong to the amazing Yasuhiro Nightow.

The following is what I imagine some of Vash's thoughts might be, 50 years or so after Trigun has finished. This should work equally well for either Anime or Manga.

**Too Late**

Meryl, my friend, I'm sorry.

I stand across the street, looking at your house.

It's the house where you moved, after you married. It's the house where you still live.

When I heard you had married, I was happy for you.

I hope that you were happy, too.

I look again at your house, the house where you raised your children.

I came through town, more than a few times.

I watched your children playing, in the park down the street.

I watched when you weren't looking.

I saw your children when they were just learning to walk.

I saw them riding bicycles.

I saw your sons playing sports, and your daughters shopping for jewelry.

I saw them visit you, bringing your grandchildren.

I watched your grandchildren grow. I know that you have great-grandchildren now.

I heard that your husband died last month.

I'm sorry for your loss.

I know that you had wanted more from me, more than friendship, back in the days when we traveled together. After Milly mentioned it, I saw it in your eyes. You wanted more than I knew how to give; more than I was able to give, back then.

I didn't know what to do or say. I was confused. I liked you as a friend. I knew I couldn't love you like you wanted me to.

I never meant to hurt you. I hoped that by staying away, you would forget me. I thought that would be easier for you.

Until this year, I always felt more comfortable around children. I thought that was because they were less inclined to judge me. Children often welcomed me, if they didn't know who I was.

I have learned, very recently, that it was more than that.

I thought like a child. I felt like a child.

I wanted friends and family. People I could laugh with. People I could play with. People I could trust not to attack me. People that might hug me sometimes and I could hug them back.

I wasn't as stupid as I pretended to be. I was old when you met me, more than a hundred. Yet there were so many things that I couldn't understand.

I've always known that I'm male. It was a fact, no different from knowing that our world has two suns. It was no different from knowing that there are both children and adults.

Until a few months ago, I never really _felt_ that I am male. Not the way I do now, from the soles of my feet to the ends of my hair. I feel it especially strongly when I see a pretty girl wander by.

I grew tall, and needed to shave, before I was five years old. My voice sounded like a man's, not a boy's.

I assumed that meant I was an adult. I think everyone else did, too.

The other parts of adolescence, though, they waited until this year.

Now I know what it is to want a wife, to crave that closeness until my very bones ache.

Is this what you felt, when you looked at me that way?

I never knew it could be so intense, or so painful.

I'm sorry. I didn't understand. I couldn't feel it, not then. It wasn't your fault.

I should tell you so.

I walk across the street, and stand in front of your door.

I knock.

I hear your footsteps approaching. I see the door open.

I know you, for I have seen you from a distance. I have watched over you, when I could.

I didn't let you see me, not then.

Your hair has all turned grey. Your eyes are half-hidden behind glasses. Your face has many soft folds in its skin.

You look up at me, squinting. The suns are behind me. I am only a shadow in your doorway.

"Yes," you say, blinking at the brightness behind me. "What do you need?"

I open my mouth to speak. The words catch in my throat.

Perhaps you have forgotten me completely.

If you have, should I remind you? Would that help you heal, or only bring more pain?

I swallow, hard.

I'm wearing different sunglasses now. My hair is not spiked, but longer. It covers my ears and the sides of my face.

You don't know me, not from my shadow.

I haven't grown old, as you have.

I open my mouth again, but still I cannot bring myself to speak what is in my heart.

Finally, I mumble something about the name of the family who lives two doors away.

"Oh, no," you say. "They're not here, they live that way."

You point.

I thank you, and back away.

You smile amiably, and close your door.

I sigh, and wander off.

I have been a sad excuse for a friend. I cannot find words to apologize.

Even for that, it is too late.


	2. Farewell

I do not own Trigun / Vash or Meryl. They belong to the amazing Yasuhiro Nightow.

The following is what I imagine some of Vash's thoughts might be, 70 years or so after Trigun has finished. This should work equally well for either Anime or Manga.

**Farewell**

Ah, Meryl...

I heard you died last month.

I wanted to attend your funeral, but I was too far away.

Perhaps 'tis best I didn't. I would not want to be a disruption.

They're still hunting me, you see. It could have gotten messy.

I never learned what kind of flowers you liked best. I hope these will do.

In the language of flowers, they mean "friendship."

I'm sorry I could give you nothing more. I know you wanted more.

Even now that I understand the desire to marry,

'Tis not petite, dark-haired spitfires like you that catch my eye... or my heart.

You were a better friend to me than I deserved.

I'm sorry I could not repay you better.

I hope that my absence helped you to forget, and move on.

It was the best gift I knew how to offer you, back then.

In truth, I don't know of a better way, even now.

These days, I give the gift of absence to another.

This time, I am the one who wants more.

If you could hear this, you might laugh. You might say it's no more than I deserve.

Perhaps you would be right.

I don't know.

For a man over 200 years old, I still have much to learn.

Especially about women.

When I see her again, will she despise me for how I feel?

Will she ever look at me, as you once did?

I would like that, if she did. It would feel good, not needing to be so alone anymore.

I'm glad you didn't have to be alone, as I have been.

I would not wish that for you.

I'm glad you found someone to love you, and had a family.

I hope they made you happy.

Can you see me, from where you are?

If you can, I hope you're not angry. I hope you've found it in your heart to forgive me.

I hope it won't upset you, that my heart did not turn toward you when it awakened.

I did love you, if only as a friend.

Because I am still hunted

My travels must be guided by need, more than by my wishes.

You might remember what that's like, from when we traveled together years ago.

I know not if or when I shall come this way again.

I hope you are at peace, old friend.

I shall never forget you.

Farewell.


End file.
